Vampire Humor
"Never Cross a Vampire and Never Moon a Werewolf"
It has come to my attention that there are alot of really pretty funny Vampire jokes out there! I know some of these are
really awful groaners, but bare with me, some are too precious to be lost!
Dribblers (One Liners)
Main Vein (Longer Jokes)
Links to other sites with jokes on them
Dribblers (One Liners)
What's fast food to a vampire?
A GUY WITH REALLY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE --from Merwyn
Why did the Vampire subscribe to Vogue?
HE HEARD IT HAD GREAT CIRCULATION --from Merwyn
Why don't vamps like Red Cross?
THEY CAN'T STAND THE COMPETITION --from Merwyn
What's something to keep secret from a vampire?
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME. --from Merwyn
Why did the dyslexic vampire starve to death?
HE COULDN'T FIND ANY D-L-O-O-B --from Merwyn
Why did the vampire go to the dentist?
TO GET RID OF HIS OVER BITE. --from Merwyn
Why aren't the two vampires talking?
THEYRE INVOLVED IN A BLOOD FEUD --from Merwyn
Why did the vampire with an over bite starve to death?
HE KEPT BITING HIS OWN LIP --from Merwyn
Do stressed vampyre cops stop for a coffee and a donor?--By Sebastian's Evil twin ;)
How can you tell a lazy Vampire?
pick one: uses leeches
his/her donor has a spigot attached to their neck
What do you get when you mix Count Dracula with Lee Ioccoca?
Autoexec.bat
What do vampires call ticks?
competition
What is the best compliment for a vampire?
You Suck!
What do you call a baseball bat wielded by an angry Vampire?
A Vamp ire bat--- by Sanguinarius
From the Los Angeles Times
What kind of boats do Vampires like?
Blood vessels
What is a vampires favorite beer?
Bloodwieser
What is a vampires favorite flavor of Ice Cream?
Vienilla
What do Vampires call a bad dream?
A Bitemare
What does a vampire call a jogger?
Fast food--from Sasha
What does a vampire call a biker trail?
Meals on wheels--from Sasha
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
From Super Shiela
Q. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?-
A. He has a big D on his pajamas
Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin
Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A. Count Duckula
Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.
Q: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay
Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank
Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula's terror-tory
Q: Where does Dracula water ski?
A: On Lake E(e)rie
Q: Why do vampires prefer bunny blood?
A: There's more "Bounce to the Ounce!"
-Thanks to Silver for this joke :)
person1:My Uncle was a vampire
person2:Really?
person1:yeah, I staked him one night and he died--by Slinky
knock, knock
whose there?
Ivanna
Ivanna who?
Ivanna suck your blood--by Slinky
Two vampires walk into a bar...the third one ducks *quack quack* -by Sangi
What do you call a Dr.Suess Vampire?
An Asasabonsam-I-am
Have you heard about the new Vampyre doll?
If you wind it up it bites Barbie on the neck.-- by Mittens
What do you call giving Dracula a blow job?
Going down for the Count...
What is a vampires favorite nation?
Donation!.--By Johor
Main Vein (Longer Jokes)
Two vampires walked into a cafe and say down at one of the
tables. A waitress came shortly and asked for their orders
The first vampire ordered a hot cup of blood. The second vampire ordered a hot cup of water
The first vampire said to the second why did you order a cup of hot water?
A second later the waitress came back with there order.
After the waitress left the second vampire pulled a tampon out of his jacket
and said tea time!
--Whitney
If I Become A Vampire
Top 10 phlebotomist pick up lines (good also for vampires!): --From Sanguinarius
10. This won't hurt a bit.
9. My, you have nice veins.
8. This tape is good for more than just wrapping bandages.
7. This shirt is too tight. I think you'll need to remove it, Ms.
Bassinger.
6. Wanna take my centrifuge for a ride?
5. I can get you vacutainers at half price.
4. That's normal - everybody bleeds the first time.
3. Can I recline that donor chair for you?
2. I am told my stick is very good.
1. Is that a syringe in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
Tongue in cheek teasing... By Thomas, from Tina, through Sanguinarius (that cover 'm all?)
And this from a vampire list? Obviously this list doesn't cater to
Elders (especially those of the Gothic, angst-y White Wolf sort),
otherwise there would be things like:
They, like the generations before them have never heard Beethoven
conduct his own works. Nor have they thrilled to the chorus of the theater
in Athens with their lyres and sirynxes.
They have never known streets that were paved with mud and smelled
of offal and dung. Where footpads lurked in the shadows and honest men
feared to walk by night.
For the most part they do not know how to ride, how to judge, or
even how to groom a horse. Unless they are luddites they do not know how
to hand a coach and four, much less how to do so fashionably.
Automobiles have always had gasoline engines. They have always
started when you turn the key.
Airplanes have always been around and have always been the safest
way to travel.
They believe that any journey should take no more than a few days
at most. If they die during their journey, the believe that it will be due
to accident, not due to disease or robbery.
They have never seen the Magnum Colloseum in Roma, have never
smelled the blood on the hot sand over the wooden planks, or heard the
screams of despair as criminals were torn to pieces by wild animals from
Africa, Asia, Persia and Gaul.
They know only a fraction of the works of Leonardo da Vinci,
Phidias, Catullus or any of the other great artists and writers.
They do not know what a pavane, a gavotte, or even a pollonnaise
might be. To most of them social dancing is completely free-form.
Most do not know that the Pyramids were ever faced with polished
limestone and were once topped with a golden capstone. None of them have
ever seen them as they once were.
To them Bagdhad is a backwater in the third world, ruled by a
dictatorial mad man, not the center of the world.
They do not know the glory and decadence of Constantinople, and
they call it by the name that the Turks gave it. There has always been a New World.
They have never seen entire cities emptied by war, famine and
disease, such that the survivors were not able to bury the dead, and wild
dogs and vultures gorged on the bodies as they lay unburied in the
streets.
They have never thrilled to the sound of swords clashing against
armor, heard the screams of the dying and maimed, and smelled the sweet
scent of warm blood as it ran down an iron blade.
They have never heard Old Prussian, Etruscan, Pictish, British,
Hittite, or any of a hundred other languages once spoken by conquerers.
For them they have always known that there would be lights in the
night. They have never had to huddle against the dark, protected only
by a feeble flame.
They have always known warm houses and warm clothing. For them
snow is a plaything, not a test of survival.
To them the cities of London, Paris, New York, and Peking are huge
anthills of humanity, epicenters of civilization. They have never seen
them as straggling villages.
To them Ninevah, Thebes, Babylon, Ophir, Karakorum, and Carthage
are ruins, not places from which kings sent forth conquering armies,
merchant founded fortunes and silk-robed women seduced men from behind
their scented veils.
They, like their fathers, their grandfathers, and all their
ancestors before them are but like sea foam on the wind, leaves of grass
blown before the wind, cattle grazing before the slaughter. They are as
dust, a new generation of crickets to chirp for a time before the winter
of decrepitude takes them all.
It's a joke, c'mon...laugh!
Why you have nothing to fear from Vampires (found by DV)
1. Vampires are evil creatures that bite people on the neck and suck out all their blood.
2. Vampires are immensely strong, they have teeth like icicles, and they usually wear a black
cape even indoors.
3. Vampires live in old, spooky houses that you'd have to be stupid to go anywhere near.
Many people do just that, though.
4. Vampires sleep in coffins. Since coffins fit only one person, few vampires are married.
5. Vampires do not like garlic. Fortunately for them, though, blood tastes fine without it.
6. Vampires do not like running water. They never have a bath, because they have to get a
friend to fill it for them. They never ever have a shower.
7. Vampires smell deathly.
8. Vampires do not like the sign of the cross. This makes addition very hard for them.
9. Vampires enter their victims' houses by changing into a bat and flying in through
an open window. If no windows are open, they may pretend to be bat-shaped envelopes
and sneak in through the letter-box.
10. Vampires will die if they stand in the sun. Because of this, they don't go on holiday
very often.
11. As with most people, a vampire will die if you hammer a wooden stake through its heart.
12. Vampires have no reflection - not even the upside-down one you get when you look in a spoon.
As they can't use a mirror, vampires can never comb their hair properly, and it always ends
up pointy at the front.
13. Vampires are always hundreds and hundreds of years old.
14. Since vampires are always old, they must need glasses so they can see properly.
Whenever they turn into a bat, their glasses will fall off. Then, when they turn
back, they won't be able to see to bite anyone.
You might be a redneck Vampire if...
you insist on smearing anyone you're about to drink from with lotsa ketchup and salt.
your idea of a good pick up line is, " hey darlin', :: pant, pant:: I'm batty for ya!"
Harley Davidson tee shirts are one of your favorite types of psychic shielding.
you choose what sports teams to root for by whether they're named after animals you can shapeshift into
during the game.
you have a tooth and claw sharpening bench in your basement workshop.
you go on hunting trips to remote places with your Vampbuddies and take pictures of each other with the
locals you feed from...right after.
you have smiling plastic bat lawn ornaments staked into the ground in front of your house.
ya find redneck vampire boys [or girls] to be just the yummiest kind.
you call your V clan father "Pappy" &/or your V mother "Ma."
the hymn " Power In The Blood " has always been your favorite.
your loyalty bond to your V kinfolk is as strong or stronger than any other in your life.
---By Arthur
Your cape is plaid flannel.
You use Grandpa's favorite whittling knife on your dates.
You've drunkenly offered to turn somebody at a honky-tonk.
You use a term such as "ten-point," to describe a vessel's aura.
Your ankh is embroidered on your baseball cap.
You like to crush your prey in your fists after you've drained them.
Your sire has ever taken you out for a night of nonstop feeding.
There's a barbecue grill on the balcony of your castle.
You play "solar chicken" with your vampire drinking buddies when the sun comes up.
You think waiting for a vessel to approach you, is unmanly.
Your pickup has bloodsplatters airbrushed on it, instead of racing stripes.
You're convinced your clan is the only one which deserves to exist.
You've trained your dog to fetch vessels.
You think of blood as a side for your deep-fried buffalo wings.
You like to harass the vampires who wear black lipstick, when you spot them.
You have NASCAR decals on your fangs.--By Blood Brother C
Lines Psyvamps use :
1. Well, will it be your mind or mine ?
2. Honey, your tendrils are on my solar plexus again.
3. How DARE you sip at my aura that way!
4. Of COURSE I LOVE you ICQ#9087645 !!!
(number above is fictitious - Soj :)
5. What do you mean I had astral sex with your cat
while you were AFK (Away From Keyboard)?
6. From the IRC #Only_Vamps Op :
This channel is for REAL-LIFE vampire discussions
only.
For the smorgasboard please proceed to
#RPG_Vampire_Clans_Forever!
No leftovers please and say thank you.
7. No dear, this really *is* an headache...i haven't
been brawling again online. I swear!--by Sojourner
"Stolen" from the HoM message board (Thanks to Joker):
32 Reasons Not to Become a Vampire
1.No more garlic toast.
2.Blood diet causes the WORST morning breath.
3.Thanks to Madonna, Holy Symbols have become fashionable.
4.All elder vampires have that "More Tormented than Thou" attitude.
5.Those pesky mortals all have read the morning paper before you.
6.Eternal embarrassment at having been represented by Tom Cruise.
7.Sleeping in native earth causes toadstools to grow in one's shorts.
8.Roving gangs of werewolves beat up on vampires just to prove they can.
9.Impossible to get pizza with blood as a topping.
10.Inability to see self in mirror makes grooming difficult.
11.This town has _no_ nightlife.
12.Transylvanian vampire Mafia wants 20% of all the blood you drink.
13.Anne Rice fans constantly pestering you to give them "the Dark Gift."
14.Complete lack of tan causes people to mistake you for Bill Gates.
15.Can't find a comfortable coffin anywhere.
16.Dracula's really an asshole when you get to know him. Lestat too.
17.Living in constant fear that spiked collars will become fashionable.
18.Monty Python fans run up to you and say "sharp nasty pointy teeth!"
19.Pallid, pasty, emaciated appearance reminds many of 7-11 clerks.
20.Ever bite the inside of your cheek?
21.Always have to pay full price at movie theaters (no matinee for you!)
22.Fat, smelly mortals still seem to be having more fun than you.
23.Vampire job market limited to 24-hour drug stores and late-night pizza delivery people.
24.Horrible secret of all vampires: The Really Old Underwear Tradition.
25.Male Vampires Only: Ever taken a cold shower? Well make it as cold as the grave and that's what it's
gonna be like for all eternity. Pack a magnifying glass.
26.Blood banks don't give away free toaster ovens.
27.You start appending 'E's to the ende of every worde.
28.Mortal serial killers much more stylish, efficient, suave, and what's more, they get all the endorsement
deals.
29.Gain a horror-filled depressing world of darkness, lose forever the much more interesting and intelligent
world of daytime TV.
30.Lose opportunity to win ten million dollars in Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes due to little-known
rule: "Void if dead."
31.Beach volleyball tournaments rarely held at night.
32.Gravediggers just aren't as wacky as you remember them.
Famous last words heard in a vampire bar...
1.Bite Me!
2.My, what big teeth you have...
3.Ouch, paper cut...
4.Your sire was a fruit bat!
5.What? Am I the only mortal here?
6.*knock-knock* garlic bread delivery!
7.God, my blood-pressure is SO high...
8.Let me just open these blinds...
9.Aw, your just pulling my chain, you dont really expect me to believe that?
10.Hello, my name is D (or Buffy or Blade or...)
Bad "Fang" jokes...
1. What do vampire surfers do after school?--Fang ten
2. What do vampire teens do at the mall?--Fang out
3. How can you tell a grateful vampire?-- They say fang-you
4. What does an annoyed vampire say?-- Fang it!
5. How does a vampire offer encouragement?--Fang in there! (sorry Sangi, I had to! :)
6. What are a group of LA Vamps called?-- The Fang Gang
7. What do you call a sweet orange drink for vampires?-- Fang
8. What is the first thing a vampire butler says?-- "You fang?"
ok, those are bad enough for now...
Know any more? I don't care how bad they are! E-mail them to me at:s_faolchu@yahoo.comThe worse
they are the better I will like them:) I will give credit where credit is due if you send them to me...
The Great Ray-Ban Commercial/Ad!
Proof that you really can't choose your banner ads :)
Further proof that you can't choose your banner ads :)
Links to Other Vampire Humor Pages
"We Didn't Start the Fire" ...the VC version
Vampire Night before Christmas
More Vampire Jokes (V:tM related)
Andril: The Vampire Cure Note: This page is COMPLETELY tongue in
cheek, though I would love a cure, this isn't it. The "Drug Information Sheet" however, is absolutely hilarious! You will need a .pdf reader such as Adobe Acrobat reader to view the file, though.
Brad the Vampire (Comic)
Off the Mark (Comics)
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